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Thread: The Greatest Story Ever Told -- an experiment in group fiction

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luna Sy View Post
    Speaking of autism, I sure hope none of you are planning to end this by revealing that all the events of this story is actually just a dream of some kid living in an apartment building.
    I already got smacked by Turtle for this.

  2. #62
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    I'm honestly surprised that John has survived this long.

  3. #63
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    Does John, in fact, die at the end?

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    I really like that book, and no I don't think he does.

  5. #65
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    Not adding to the story, but while catching up and getting to this part:

    Quote Originally Posted by Everyday Legend View Post
    ...game show set, lights on and music blasting. Or, at least he would have known this for certain, but he was locked behind a strange wall and next to a new, modest midsize sedan. The keys were still in it. He opened the door and climbed in, started the engine, and just as soon as he got comfortable, he heard the announcer shout "A NEEEW CAAAAAAR!" The doors slid open, and with his one good arm he gripped the steering wheel and...
    all I could think of was Regular Show


  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marche100 View Post
    ..."John, I told you what would happen if you messed with the peanut butter again didn't you, now take your drugs like a good little mindless freak". She smiled, until a man in black walked into the room and whispered "Ma'am, that was the last jar of peanut butter we had, and it seems that the peanut butter shortage isn't letting up any time soon." The head nurse's eyes widened and she frothed at the mouth, ripping open a hidden panel on the wall, hitting an oversized button, and yelling "CODE WHITE". John expected a bunch of missiles and crap to be pointed at him, but he was met with a bunch of George Washington Carver look-a-likes piling into the room, gathering around his bed, dumping a bunch of research materials on it, and trying to create a new formula for peanut butter. John needed to escape, but peanut butter was pretty important, too, so he...
    ... ripped the IV out of his arm and reached out at a scalpel laying next to his bedside table. The head-nurse screamed as he rampaged towards her with the furor of a hundred starving African children, and slashed the sharpened instrument across her exposed throat. She writhed in pain as the warm blood splattered onto his face, and in that instant the Craver Clones all turned their heads to witness the horror that had fallen before them. John then hastened toward the panicked group, this time, on all fours with his knuckles digging into the concrete flooring, paying no attention to the pain that he was inflicting upon himself. John was no longer himself, he....

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by pk fire View Post
    ... ripped the IV out of his arm and reached out at a scalpel laying next to his bedside table. The head-nurse screamed as he rampaged towards her with the furor of a hundred starving African children, and slashed the sharpened instrument across her exposed throat. She writhed in pain as the warm blood splattered onto his face, and in that instant the Craver Clones all turned their heads to witness the horror that had fallen before them. John then hastened toward the panicked group, this time, on all fours with his knuckles digging into the concrete flooring, paying no attention to the pain that he was inflicting upon himself. John was no longer himself, he....
    ....had become.... The Monkey. The nurse screamed for security as she rushed out of the room, leaving her superior dying on the floor as John wrestled with the orderlies. Heavily armored men came rushing through the door soon after John had finished off the last orderly by stomping viciously in the nuts. They opened fire with their bean bag guns, knocking Monkey John flat on his ass, where he lay completely still, as if the shock of becoming The Monkey was too much for his fragile, bed-ridden body. The security team slowly approached, and one came up to John and gave him a nudge with his foot- to which John jumped to his feet and performed the Monkey Steals the Peach maneuver on the poor guard, causing him to pass out from the pain, and giving John a chance to escape past the shocked guards into the hall where he....

  8. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Last Scion of the House of Blue Lions View Post
    ....had become.... The Monkey. The nurse screamed for security as she rushed out of the room, leaving her superior dying on the floor as John wrestled with the orderlies. Heavily armored men came rushing through the door soon after John had finished off the last orderly by stomping viciously in the nuts. They opened fire with their bean bag guns, knocking Monkey John flat on his ass, where he lay completely still, as if the shock of becoming The Monkey was too much for his fragile, bed-ridden body. The security team slowly approached, and one came up to John and gave him a nudge with his foot- to which John jumped to his feet and performed the Monkey Steals the Peach maneuver on the poor guard, causing him to pass out from the pain, and giving John a chance to escape past the shocked guards into the hall where he....
    ...found himself being descended upon by all of the orderlies the hospital had on call. John turn and ran down the hallway toward the stairwell in hopes of finding an escape. He takes a few steps down the steps when the shouting of police and firemen rushing up the steps causes him to realize he has no choice but to reverse course and head up the stairs. Thanks to his new found Monkey strength John begins bounding up steps faster than he ever thought possible until he finally reaches the end of the stairs. Stepping through the doorway John is greeted with a rush of cool air and finds himself standing on top of the building with no where left to turn. Realizes his only option is to keep climbing, John uses his Monkey abilities to climb the spire at the top of the building, but is in awe when he turns to see a fast approaching....

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    ....bi-plane, firing a machine-gun. It swooped down, and when it was within reach, John jumped into it, pulling the pilot out and tossing him onto the roof with a loud thump. He went far, far away from that place before realizing, "I have no idea how to land this thing". He brought it low into an open field surrounded by forest and jumped out just as the belly of the plane began to kick up dirt. Looking around, the sun was beginning to set, so he wondered off into the woods hoping to find a cabin or some other temporary refuge- fortunately for him, he found....

  10. #70
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    Let's see John get out of this one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Last Scion of the House of Blue Lions View Post
    ....bi-plane, firing a machine-gun. It swooped down, and when it was within reach, John jumped into it, pulling the pilot out and tossing him onto the roof with a loud thump. He went far, far away from that place before realizing, "I have no idea how to land this thing". He brought it low into an open field surrounded by forest and jumped out just as the belly of the plane began to kick up dirt. Looking around, the sun was beginning to set, so he wondered off into the woods hoping to find a cabin or some other temporary refuge- fortunately for him, he found....
    ...a factory rich with life and wonder, with chocolate as far as the eye could see, candies and knick knacks, little orange men running around, and even some complimentary coffee. John began to step over to one of the orange men to introduce himself and ask if he could live in the chocolate wonderland forever, but was met with the little tyke suddenly pulling a shotgun on him and marching him off to see his boss. He met with Gene Wilder, who softly said "I have received word that you've been intruding on my property and have been stealing my candy, so I will have no choice but to execute you". John shouted "THAT'S A FILTHY LIE" with a mouth full of some of the chocolate from the chair that Gene Wilder was sitting on, ripping off more chunks of the chair as he spoke. Gene Wilder gave a signal, and the orange men brought John over to a chocolate guillotine, which they promptly set off, not wasting any time, causing John to...

  11. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marche100 View Post
    ...a factory rich with life and wonder, with chocolate as far as the eye could see, candies and knick knacks, little orange men running around, and even some complimentary coffee. John began to step over to one of the orange men to introduce himself and ask if he could live in the chocolate wonderland forever, but was met with the little tyke suddenly pulling a shotgun on him and marching him off to see his boss. He met with Gene Wilder, who softly said "I have received word that you've been intruding on my property and have been stealing my candy, so I will have no choice but to execute you". John shouted "THAT'S A FILTHY LIE" with a mouth full of some of the chocolate from the chair that Gene Wilder was sitting on, ripping off more chunks of the chair as he spoke. Gene Wilder gave a signal, and the orange men brought John over to a chocolate guillotine, which they promptly set off, not wasting any time, causing John to...
    ...close his eyes and wait for the inevitable. As the guillotine came down hard on John's neck, its delicious, milk chocolate blade gave way almost immediately and lumped around his head. John, having a slightly hard time breathing but relieved to be alive, took this moment to sneak a little taste.

    "God fucking dammit," squawked Gene Wilder, "I never said to make the blade out of chocolate!!"

    Gene reached into the oversized Easter basket that sat next to his edible throne and pulled out a massive, foiled-wrapped...

  12. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Corduroy Turtle View Post
    ...close his eyes and wait for the inevitable. As the guillotine came down hard on John's neck, its delicious, milk chocolate blade gave way almost immediately and lumped around his head. John, having a slightly hard time breathing but relieved to be alive, took this moment to sneak a little taste.

    "God fucking dammit," squawked Gene Wilder, "I never said to make the blade out of chocolate!!"

    Gene reached into the oversized Easter basket that sat next to his edible throne and pulled out a massive, foiled-wrapped...
    ...Johnny Depp. Naturally, he was wearing a huge, silly looking tin foil hat on his already foil wrapped head. Gene put his hands on Depp's shoulders and said:
    "Kill him and I'll let you star in the next Willy Wonka film."
    Depp then assumed a charging stance and let out an unnaturally high-pitched scream as the tin foil around his body began to turn bright red. John, being an avid fan of Dragon Ball Z, knew exactly what was going to happen next so he...

  13. #73
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    I totally saw that coming. It was worth it to make the guillotine out of chocolate, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luna Sy View Post
    ...Johnny Depp. Naturally, he was wearing a huge, silly looking tin foil hat on his already foil wrapped head. Gene put his hands on Depp's shoulders and said:
    "Kill him and I'll let you star in the next Willy Wonka film."
    Depp then assumed a charging stance and let out an unnaturally high-pitched scream as the tin foil around his body began to turn bright red. John, being an avid fan of Dragon Ball Z, knew exactly what was going to happen next so he...
    ...thought about dodging the oncoming attack, but realized that a Johnny Depp Willy Wonka movie wouldn't be so bad, so he let Johnny Depp's attack hit him. He fell back and sprawled out on the ground, still alive, but playing dead. Gene Wilder said "Okay, one of you haul him off, and we can use him in our next batch of everlasting gobstoppers." An oompa loompa began to drag John's body off, but suddenly the ground began to shake, and none other than Arthur Slugworth swung into the room on a rope, smashing through the window and yelling "Aha, So that's the secret ingredient in everlasting gobstoppers!" Gene Wilder jumped up, shouted "That intruder must have been wearing a wire!", and had an oompa loompa dig through John's garments, only to find...

  14. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marche100 View Post
    ...thought about dodging the oncoming attack, but realized that a Johnny Depp Willy Wonka movie wouldn't be so bad, so he let Johnny Depp's attack hit him. He fell back and sprawled out on the ground, still alive, but playing dead. Gene Wilder said "Okay, one of you haul him off, and we can use him in our next batch of everlasting gobstoppers." An oompa loompa began to drag John's body off, but suddenly the ground began to shake, and none other than Arthur Slugworth swung into the room on a rope, smashing through the window and yelling "Aha, So that's the secret ingredient in everlasting gobstoppers!" Gene Wilder jumped up, shouted "That intruder must have been wearing a wire!", and had an oompa loompa dig through John's garments, only to find...
    ...at least 300 lemon drops, 48 candy canes, 3 giant gobstoppers, a case of Werther's Originals and a half-eaten rabbit made of Rice Krispie's treats.

    "Good lord, what the hell was this guy's problem?", Gene spat.

    While Slugworth, Depp and Wilder argued amongst themselves, John slowly opened one eye to see if the coast was clear and two things immediately caught his eye: a large syrup river and the biggest goddamn peppermint candy he had every seen. His mouth watered, but he knew this was no time for a snack, so he leapt up, grabbed the peppermint candy and sprinted towards the river as fast as his swollen belly would allow. One of the colorful midgets noticed his escape attempt and shouted...

  15. #75
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    ..."Grenade!" and threw a grenade at him, which is actually just a ziploc bag filled with Coke, pop rocks and shattered jawbreaker pieces for shrapnel. John started to doubt the competency of this factory as an evil criminal organization and kind of felt sorry for them. The "grenade" fell to the ground right next to him, popped open on one side and slowly deflated, leaving the oompa loompa who threw it sad and disappointed. With that out of the way, John sets his eyes back on the syrup river and continued running towards it. As soon as he approached the river...

  16. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luna Sy View Post
    ..."Grenade!" and threw a grenade at him, which is actually just a ziploc bag filled with Coke, pop rocks and shattered jawbreaker pieces for shrapnel. John started to doubt the competency of this factory as an evil criminal organization and kind of felt sorry for them. The "grenade" fell to the ground right next to him, popped open on one side and slowly deflated, leaving the oompa loompa who threw it sad and disappointed. With that out of the way, John sets his eyes back on the syrup river and continued running towards it. As soon as he approached the river...
    ...Gene Wilder yelled out to him, "Stop right there!"

    In a desperate situation such as this, John did the only thing he knew to do. He stopped and turned to Gene because really, who wouldn't want to meet Gene Wilder. Capitalizing on John's hesitation Gene summoned his last line of defense. A zombified Peter Boyle still wearing his monster costume from Young Frankenstein. As Peter Boyle approached a now terrified John, the zombie's mouth opens and he says...

  17. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by VagrantHige View Post
    ...Gene Wilder yelled out to him, "Stop right there!"

    In a desperate situation such as this, John did the only thing he knew to do. He stopped and turned to Gene because really, who wouldn't want to meet Gene Wilder. Capitalizing on John's hesitation Gene summoned his last line of defense. A zombified Peter Boyle still wearing his monster costume from Young Frankenstein. As Peter Boyle approached a now terrified John, the zombie's mouth opens and he says...
    ..."Come with me", winking as he motioned for John to hop on his back. With his options running thin, and a horde of pretty angry looking Oompas closing in fast, John took the zombie up on his offer and they sprinted off. For an undead being, the zombie ran incredibly fast; gaining enough speed to leap over the syrup river in a single bound. The wind whipped through John's hair as he laughed and cheered, watching the all the orange little men spill into the river and drown like a bunch of handicapped lemmings. With little effort, John's steed busted through the compound's weak, gingerbread walls and into a beautiful...

  18. #78
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    The Willy Wonka storyline has turned into the best part of this story. It's so hilarious!

    Quote Originally Posted by Corduroy Turtle View Post
    ..."Come with me", winking as he motioned for John to hop on his back. With his options running thin, and a horde of pretty angry looking Oompas closing in fast, John took the zombie up on his offer and they sprinted off. For an undead being, the zombie ran incredibly fast; gaining enough speed to leap over the syrup river in a single bound. The wind whipped through John's hair as he laughed and cheered, watching the all the orange little men spill into the river and drown like a bunch of handicapped lemmings. With little effort, John's steed busted through the compound's weak, gingerbread walls and into a beautiful...
    ...parking lot, rich with shady looking vans with "FREE CANDY" painted on the sides. John tried to advert his eyes, but he couldn't overcome the temptation, and jumped off of his steed, running over to one and jumping in through the window. The inside of the van felt a lot more spacious than it did outside, although it was pitch black. John fumbled around, trying to feel for a button to turn on the lights, or something, when he saw a light far off in the distance. He followed the light, tripping over some things on the ground along the way, and finally made it to the light, which turned out to be...

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    ....a lure, attached to the forehead of a frighteningly shallow cheeked man. His eyes were milky, unfocused, and disturbingly large, and when he pulled back his lips in a terrifying rictus, John could see all of his long, pointy, needle-like teeth; then the light shown brighter , revealing what he had tripped over on his way to the light. Small neat piles of bones, arranged according to type and size- from pieces of fingers and toes, to bits of spine, skulls, and pelvises. John looked around slowly, before focusing his gaze at the smiling "man", who said with the slightest movement of his jaw, "Do you want some candy, boy?" John stared at those long teeth for a moment, before looking up into those cloudy eyes and saying....

  20. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by Last Scion of the House of Blue Lions View Post
    ....a lure, attached to the forehead of a frighteningly shallow cheeked man. His eyes were milky, unfocused, and disturbingly large, and when he pulled back his lips in a terrifying rictus, John could see all of his long, pointy, needle-like teeth; then the light shown brighter , revealing what he had tripped over on his way to the light. Small neat piles of bones, arranged according to type and size- from pieces of fingers and toes, to bits of spine, skulls, and pelvises. John looked around slowly, before focusing his gaze at the smiling "man", who said with the slightest movement of his jaw, "Do you want some candy, boy?" John stared at those long teeth for a moment, before looking up into those cloudy eyes and saying....
    ..."I'll take your candy, but I won't like it!" The man tossed him some of the bones laying on the ground, which John immediately bit into, finding that it tasted like marshmallows. "There, now was that so hard?" the man with the lure said, letting loose with a frightening laugh and giving John a nice big pat on the back with his long, spindly fingers. "You know, you looked kind of creepy, before, and I wasn't sure that I should trust you, but I guess you're a really nice guy, after all," John said, chuckling. The man stopped chuckling, growing furious at John's initial evaluation of him, and let out of horrific screech, picking up John and literally throwing him out of the dark place and out into...

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