The Official Copypasta and Greentext Story Thead

[noobspoon]

It takes some time to get a good omegle conversation going, you have to find someone as deranged as yourself that will play along.

[Panzadolphin56]

Like with most things on the internet though it's mostly just guys looking to jerk it.

And I include Tarvu in that.

[Sir Legendhead]

It takes some time to get a good omegle conversation going, you have to find someone as deranged as yourself that will play along.

Why do you think I post here?

[Tarvu]

Like with most things on the internet though it's mostly just guys looking to jerk it.

And I include Tarvu in that.

I sure did act like a Jerk frequently on Omegle, but only to other jerks. Also I wasn't there to get off.

[Sir Legendhead]

You can't parse [X]HTML with regex. Because HTML can't be parsed by regex. Regex is not a tool that can be used to correctly parse HTML. As I have answered in HTML-and-regex questions here so many times before, the use of regex will not allow you to consume HTML. Regular expressions are a tool that is insufficiently sophisticated to understand the constructs employed by HTML. HTML is not a regular language and hence cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Regex queries are not equipped to break down HTML into its meaningful parts. so many times but it is not getting to me. Even enhanced irregular regular expressions as used by Perl are not up to the task of parsing HTML. You will never make me crack. HTML is a language of sufficient complexity that it cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Even Jon Skeet cannot parse HTML using regular expressions. Every time you attempt to parse HTML with regular expressions, the unholy child weeps the blood of virgins, and Russian hackers pwn your webapp. Parsing HTML with regex summons tainted souls into the realm of the living. HTML and regex go together like love, marriage, and ritual infanticide. The <center> cannot hold it is too late. The force of regex and HTML together in the same conceptual space will destroy your mind like so much watery putty. If you parse HTML with regex you are giving in to Them and their blasphemous ways which doom us all to inhuman toil for the One whose Name cannot be expressed in the Basic Multilingual Plane, he comes. HTML-plus-regexp will liquify the n​erves of the sentient whilst you observe, your psyche withering in the onslaught of horror. Rege̿̔̉x-based HTML parsers are the cancer that is killing StackOverflow it is too late it is too late we cannot be saved the trangession of a chi͡ld ensures regex will consume all living tissue (except for HTML which it cannot, as previously prophesied) dear lord help us how can anyone survive this scourge using regex to parse HTML has doomed humanity to an eternity of dread torture and security holes using regex as a tool to process HTML establishes a breach between this world and the dread realm of c͒ͪo͛ͫrrupt entities (like SGML entities, but more corrupt) a mere glimpse of the world of reg​ex parsers for HTML will ins​tantly transport a programmer's consciousness into a world of ceaseless screaming, he comes, the pestilent slithy regex-infection wil​l devour your HT​ML parser, application and existence for all time like Visual Basic only worse he comes he comes do not fi​ght he com̡e̶s, ̕h̵i​s un̨ho͞ly radiańcé destro҉ying all enli̍̈́̂̈́ghtenment, HTML tags lea͠ki̧n͘g fr̶ǫm ̡yo​͟ur eye͢s̸ ̛l̕ik͏e liq​uid pain, the song of re̸gular exp​ression parsing will exti​nguish the voices of mor​tal man from the sp​here I can see it can you see ̲͚̖͔̙î̩́t̲͎̩̱͔́̋̀ it is beautiful t​he final snuffing of the lie​s of Man ALL IS LOŚ͖̩͇̗̪̏̈́T ALL I​S LOST the pon̷y he comes he c̶̮omes he comes the ich​or permeates all MY FACE MY FACE ᵒh god no NO NOO̼O​O NΘ stop the an​*̶͑̾̾​̅ͫ͏̙̤g͇̫͛͆̾ͫ̑͆l͖͉̗̩̳̟̍ͫͥͨe̠̅s ͎a̧͈͖r̽̾̈́͒͑e n​ot rè̑ͧ̌aͨl̘̝̙̃ͤ͂̾̆ ZA̡͊͠͝LGΌ ISͮ̂҉̯͈͕̹̘̱ TO͇̹̺ͅƝ̴ȳ̳ TH̘Ë͖́̉ ͠P̯͍̭O̚​N̐Y̡ H̸̡̪̯ͨ͊̽̅̾̎Ȩ̬̩̾͛ͪ̈́̀́͘ ̶̧̨̱̹̭̯ͧ̾ͬC̷̙̲̝͖ͭ̏ͥͮ͟Oͮ͏̮̪̝͍M̲̖͊̒ͪͩͬ̚̚͜Ȇ̴̟̟͙̞ͩ͌͝S ̨̥̫͎̭ͯ̿̔̀ͅ

[PappaDukes]

Why do you think I post here?

And here I thought you actually loved us.

[Sir Legendhead]

There are no ghosts in your machine Nathan.



Please go about your business.

[Panzadolphin56]

Are you implying he's soulless?

[PappaDukes]

He's right. Dead on.

[Sir Legendhead]

Yes.

[Gobun]

Ewwww what the flying fuck?
Why does this exist?

[noobspoon]

Because sonic.

[Tarvu]

Ewwww what the flying fuck?
Why does this exist?

Hippo shit.

[Hector Garfria]

[noobspoon]

"You can't corner the dorner" too fucking good.

[Sir Legendhead]

No, fuck that shit! I picked the Stormcloaks and after the bull that Balgruuf put me through, I am loathe to pick the Imperials just because of how much it would irk me to let Balgruuf stay Jarl ever again.I didn't want to be Dragonborn. I wanted to be a self-made man, god damn it. It was frustrating enough that after missions upon missions of sneak training so I could become Guild Master, Karliah came in with her nonsense about how really I was only so good because of fucking Nocturnal (NO!), but my time spent around Nords and Thalmor convinced me that while Nords were somewhat racist, the Thalmor were a legitimate threat to the stability of the damn country. And I mean, I'm a wood elf, so this wasn't bigotry on my part. It was a tough decision but I resolved nonetheless to pledge myself in the service of Skyrim's native people (just as, in Markarth, I aided the Forsworn – not that they were grateful).
Okay so I'm a Stormcloak, right? And everything is hunky dory – until this fucking asshat Balgruuf enters the scene. "Give him my war axe," Ulfric tells me. "That way he knows we're riding in to fuck him up." Simple! I think. But noooo, Balgruuf is just obsessed over this dragon problem which doesn't actually exist, seeing as there's been a total of one dragon sighting in the last five in-game years. I go up and hand him the axe.
"Huh!" he says. "I guess you're a Stormcloak declaring war!"
"Yeah brah," I say, "so are you surrendering or something?"
He goes, "Maaaaaaybe."
What. The. Fuck. Balgruuf. "You can't just decide not to answer, jackass," I say. "That's not how war fuckingworks."
But when I return to Windhelm, Ulfric is totally agreeing with this frigtoast's policy. And he's blaming me for not having an answer! Suddenly I'm wondering if I really want this ass to be High King. I silently mark Ulfric as a non-essential character in the console.
"I'll tell you what," says Balgruuf. "You talk to me about dragons, and I'll give you an answer." No. FUCK THAT. I am not going to tell you about the dragon I saw when I was practically a kid at this point, because I know what lies down that path, and it's predestination and monks who talk slowly and shit, and besides, I've slaughtered everyone in Riverwood and Delphine is kind of pissed off at me. But eventually I relent. Fuck it, I'm the Dragonborn. Doesn't mean I have to go about fighting Alduin or anything.
Run to guard tower, boom, kill dragon, boom, fast travel to Balgruuf. "Whoa, you're a predestined hero!" he says. "I should make you thane." And thane I become, right then and there! I mean, I came here to declare WAR on his ass, and now I'm goddamn THANE?? But whatever, I ignore his foppish declaration. "Axe, motherfucker. Do you speak it?" Then he decides, sure, let's go to war.
Long story short we storm Whiterun, take the castle, beat the shit out of soon-to-be-ex-Jarl Balgruuf. And then I have to sit through Balgruuf's fifteen minutes of agonized betrayal. "YOU!" he spits at me, like he's Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates and can't remember anything I've ever done, like, ever. "I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I MADE YOU MY JAAAARL. AND NOW YOU BETRAY ME WITH THESE STORMCLOAKS."
And I'm like, "Fuck you, dick! I showed up to declare war, and you were too much of an indecisive coward to take me seriously! I'm going to study at the College of Winterhold, just so I can learn a lightning spell serious enough to wipe you out as thoroughly as you deserve!"
Which is exactly how that shit went down. The cellar in the Blue Palace is full of ashes of the Jarls and assistants who think I betrayed them. So much white powder... I go back and snort it sometimes when I need a buzz. It's the perfect cure for the downer that was Jarl Balgruuf's entire fucking existence.
That reminds me, I should make Jarl Grey-Mane a thank you birthday cake. I don't even know if it's his birthday. Fucker's like ninety years old at this point, another birthday cake might kill him. But I need to thank somebody that Balgruuf no longer exists or has any power over me. Feels good, man.
tl;dr Booooo Imperials! Yaaaay Nords!

I am going to get so fucking American on your ass that you're going to shit out a bald eagle in about 3 hours.Do you know why the seal of the United States of America has 13 arrows on it? The tale goes that an Iroquois chief went to congress during the revolutionary war and broke thirteen arrows, one by one. He then tried to break thirteen arrows at once, which he could not do, and explained to our fucking founding fathers that united, we are strong.
Tamriel is America. The Empire is America. Skyrim and Hammerfell are the Empire. Together, they will stand strong, defeat the communist Thalmor, and restore worship of Talos Jesus in the world.

(via this thread on /r/skyrim)

[Hector Garfria]

Yeah, nah son, let's keep this thread on proven greentexts and copypasta that have screencaps.

[Sir Legendhead]

Now that you mention it, that last one was better than this forum deserves.

[Sir Legendhead]

[Tarvu]

Batman will find it.