I was so torn up Saturday/Sunday that I braved the streets of Atlanta at 5am for a stroll to the gas station for Salt n Vinegar chips and Sour Skittles. My homeless person evasion plan was to throw my bag of chips at them and then make a mad dash back to the hotel. I think I was more freaked out that I didn't see a single person and felt like I was a part of the walking dead. There were two cars at the pumps and no people, not even in the store. The clerk was it. Anyway, I obviously survived.
So I'm partying with some friends in their midtown condo drinking some beers and just getting primed to go to this club called Halo within walking distance therefore no need to hold back on booze intake fuck that, fuck that shit.
We walk down there and that club is kickin'. I scope these 2 young looking chicks and get my game on and it's actually seeming to work but then some dude comes up and is all like "who the fuck is this?". The chicks said "talk to ya later" and fucked off and the dude was kinda big so wait a minute I need to get drunker-just occured.
The bar was super crowded and it took a while to get service I was just gonna get a beer but I wanted something stronger to make up for wait. Then I decided to get multiple drinks so I didn't have to keep dealing with the rat race. 3 shots Jaeger and I nail 2 down so I go see what my homies are up to and they're busy making out with chicks, I take the other shot then back to the bar and get a couple more because I'm smart like that.
Wait, whereverybody go?
So I'm hammered and confused, time to leave. Hitting the streets I wander off in some neighborhood that if memory serves me right wasn't all that sketchy. I saw some dude chilling in front of a house and he asked me if I was allright. I said no not really and asked him if he had any coke (because I needed some wake up powder.
He did. This guy was big and a black dude btw and he told me to follow him. Super idea, let's roll. We walk to this porn store somewhat down the street and around the back is a jackshack. Cool let's watch some porn and get high so I figure what to do next. He does'nt have coke he has base and an aluminium pipe damn it. He takes the first drags and then hands it over.
I take few hits and notice he's got his dick out and strocking it. A judgement lapse occurs witin my brain and I smoke some more base. Wait, I'm awake now. This dude's dick is gigantic and scary and we are in a super small booth. Stupidly, instead of just leaving I elbow him in the neck and hold him against the wall to choke him but....he's still jerking off.
Now there's flashlights in my face. Closing time and I was seen choking a dude (or trying to) with his huge dick out. I go outside and can't think. Then some sketchball in a Jeep asks me if I need a ride because he saw that dude was yelling at me about money. I hopped in the Jeep.
The Jeep guy was obviously gay when we get the fuck outta there. He pulls into some weird alley and starts talking. "I was a street kid once, it's okay." I reply as politely as I can that it isn't like that, that I got too wasted. This guy says his boyfriend is out of town and he's bored. He offers me wine. The fucking bottles already uncorked as he offers, so I say "you probably put something in that didn't you?" He laughs and I'm like look I'm just trying get home it's only a little ways up hwy 400, I live my Grandma and am not into some weird shit.
He's down to help me out surprisingly so we hit the road. I mean his boyfriends out of town anyway, what better to do? We arrive at Grandbo's place and I'm tired as hell, same with gay dude. I tell him take the couch and I would take the recliner.
I asked him if he would be down for a movie and he was. My brother's girlfriend just got Doom on bootleg and it just came out and shit so I put it in.
My pants were unbuttoned and unzipped in the morning, dude was gone
This isn't even a drunk story, but typing it out anyway just because I feel like it.
My car broke down one day in the shit side of town, right by the porno shop and the hotel. Some guy in a cheap little house nearby offered to let me use his phone. We go inside, I call someone. Everything's all good. We're sitting there, me and this scruffy little guy, and out of the blue he's like, so hey you want a blowjob?
I was kind of flattered actually. I mean, damn, that was downright neighborly of him. But I passed, and was like alright then. I'm just gonna go out here and wait for the bus.
Btw I'm kind of buzzed while typing this so technically, it counts
Man, at least he was gone when you woke up Bulkmailer. I woke up while the guy was still stroking mine >.>
Wasn't even a random dude either, I've known him for a few years, and was well aware of his bisexualness, which is no biggy to me, I could care less so long as it doesn't affect me. Needless to say, one night whilst far too drunk and high, it affected me. He lived literally right across the hallway from another solid buddy of mine, and we were just drinking at his place when we got the invite to go across the hall for (more) beer and pot. Me being one to rarely if ever turn down free pot, was all about it. Last thing I remember I was just chilling on the couch doing my chill thing and then black. Woke up to the feeling of someone stroking me, lo and behold, there was indeed a disturbance in the force.
I shot up out of the couch, replaced my shit back in the safety of my pants and, if memory serves, the only thing I really said was a rather adamant "No" before bolting out the door and practically throwing my friend's door open. It was about 6 am at this point and I just barged in screaming "DON'T YOU EVER LEAVE ME OVER THERE ALONE AGAIN!!!"
The only truly positive thing to come out of the whole experience is that, to this day, I and I alone am the only one within my circle who is allowed to make proper use of the Metalocalypse line, "I woke up, with a clown's hand down my pants. That's, that's what I did today." Always good for the lolz xD
Ever since I got in shape four years ago, I've started blacking out after rapid drinking, without even glimpses of memories of what went down. Once, it was waking up in my friend's parents' bed with said friend's ex girlfriend and the most painful calf muscles ever from, I was told, dancing. The most worrying and scariest episode is waking up, trying to find my wallet, going over to the neighbor's to ask them if they had seen it... They told me to check my car. I had somehow convinced four people I was capable and sober, drove them a couple miles to Taco Bell in a busy college town, ate there, and drove back, leaving my wallet in the car, and kept partying, but had no memories of any of it.
The drunk occasions I do remember are much more laugh worthy, but they're probably not 'too drunk' stories.