A Call for Help

[KingSigy]

Today on the Screwattack, I witnessed the posting of a video that Pro Jared did for Nintendo's Wii U Challenge. I found it humorous and remembered the times when Jared did Newsroom and such.

Now, I'm not going to reiterate what everyone has said about his departure, but I find myself at a loss for proper expression. If anyone here has read a single sentence from my blogs, you'll know I'm a terribly depressed man. That said, I'm beginning to feel like my own time with Screwattack is coming to an end.

Sadly, I've already expressed this on Destructoid. One of my blogs dealt with how I felt out of place within the community and these recent events just bring the emotions front and center again. Obviously I'm not a happy man, but I also have no true idea of how to connect with anyone here.

What I'm mainly asking for help with, though, is finding a new gaming site. Are there any places you guys frequent other than Destructoid? Do you do some blogging on other sites that gives you joy?

I'm stricken with guilt over the fact that I mainly blog to grab attentions and hits, but I really want to achieve my dream of being a games blogger. I love writing about this hobby and sharing my emotions with people, but I want to do more than that. I'm just at a loss for what that more is.

More importantly, I'm at a loss for where I should be doing this. While I used to be able to communicate properly with you guys, something changed over the years. Maybe my writing got worse or my ideas were too similar, but I lost the attention of you guys and I even caused pain to a few.

Destructoid is a great site. I love it. Hell, Screwattack is amazing and I love them for reawakening the love I had with games. But, I just don't know if they are still the sites for me. Maybe I just need a change? Maybe these places are for me and I'm fretting over nothing. Regardless, I'd just like some help in discovering what truly makes me happy.

[PappaDukes]

Sorry man, hate to hear about depression of any kind.

However, this is the first, and only gaming site I have ever been a part of, and frankly, the only gaming site I will ever be a part of. The community is so tight-knit, and some of the best people you will ever meet anywhere. That isn't even an exaggeration.

I don't know why you would even want to look elsewhere for a gaming site as amazing as Destructoid, and I can't even begin to think of one that could hold a candle to this place.

But, that being said, good luck in your search. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[KingSigy]

I don't disagree with you. You guys sure seem to be close and love each other. I just don't feel the same way. People don't seek me out and my posts on Twitter are almost never responded to. Hell, I even physically met one of you and it turned out awful. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[Revuhlooshun]

Why does it matter if a random collection of internet strangers approves of you as a person and what you do with your spare time? Why is such validation important? And how important is it? Is it vital enough to be emotionally unnerved without it? What for? Do you worry what the people walking down the street think of you every day as you pass them? Do you give them the same weight as you do to internet strangers? In the grand scheme of things, are the opinions of the passerbys on the internet any more significant than the opinions of the passerbys on the street?

Please don't mistake my words for malice and judgement. I just think that these are more crucial questions to ponder over, as opposed to which collection of strangers is best suited to judge your life. Why live for the approval of other people when you can live for the approval of yourself?

[KingSigy]

I don't want anyone to be a stranger, though, and I fail to see a way to change that. I honestly don't care too much if people think I'm lousy or worthless, but why is it that within a community that should be ripe with people similar to me, I can't find anyone? That's the problem I face.

Also, if I want my career to be within a field of writing, don't I want random strangers on the internet to enjoy my work? I suppose enjoying it myself would be the first step, but even so, why is it so hard for me to get people to even notice I exist? I need to have an audience or else my life is just going to have me end up homeless on the street. Without an audience, who pays me to continue existing?

I've never been afraid to voice a contradictory opinion to popular belief. My entire time in high school was me disliking practically every popular film or song. I know how to deal with that. What I don't know how to deal with is being alone. Even though people disliked me, I always had friends around. Now I have nothing. Why can't I find a community that will help me deal with that?

[Revuhlooshun]

Well, to address the first point, the best advice I can give you is to frequent the forums more often. The other two parts of the site are not good avenues for becoming familiar with people. Here you will find dozens of continuous conversations that you can jump into and be a part of, though do keep in mind that even if you do get close to people here, we're all strangers at the least and acquaintances at best. The word "friendship" is rather abused these days, and it should be saved for those who you have close, personal bonds with over an extended period of face-to-face interaction.

On the second point: I'm not a big shot writer by any means in any field, but I do have a number of blogs that have been placed onto the front page, if that counts for anything (I don't think that it does). Everybody is different, but I can tell you that everything I've written has been because I wanted it to be written. If other people liked it, fine; if nobody liked it, fine--I just wanted the satisfaction of seeing my thoughts laid out in a coherent, organized fashion. But I like to think that what I have written has been well-received because there's always been a genuine enthusiasm behind everything I've written. It's also why I write only when I have something to say or have a passion for something--it greatly affects the end results, in my experience.

Third: Writing should be a hobby from the beginning, not a serious career path. Maybe one day you'll hit it off big and can write exclusively for a living, but most people never achieve that. If you need to find an audience in order to survive, then you need to find another way to survive. Please trust me on that one.

Lastly: No one can help you deal with being alone. Furthermore, if you can't be happy when you're alone, are you really happy in the company of other people? Or is the company of other people simply a distraction from the pain and emptiness you feel when you are alone? Ultimately, we as human beings are guided by self-interest. You need to learn to make your own happiness and not depend on other people to make it for you. What will happen when you depend on others to make you happy, and then those people go away? Then what? You'll be right back here where you started. Surely you can see the emotional peril you're putting yourself in by surrendering your emotions to the whims of other people. At the end of the day, if you want true happiness that can be sustained, then you need to make it on your own and live for the approval of yourself. Outside of family, your happiness is in the self-interest of nobody but you.

[Steven Hansen]

Relationships have to be fostered, forged, worked at, etc. Two way street. I've been hanging around the forum for a decent spell now, but I don't exactly have the same relationship other regulars have with each other. That's fine, though. I enjoy shooting various breezes with folks and slowly have become at least a little piece of this silly little internet community.

I've been writing for Dtoid for going on two years now and hardly anyone, relatively speaking, knows who I am. You can't just fall into a group and be a part of it. You have to develop relationships over time. I know it's frustrating (particularly in this insular little synecdoche of a world), but that's how it is. Find your niche and start carving. Start talking to people and trying to make friends versus waiting for people to seek you out. You say you don't feel as close as forum peeps do, but you hardly have any posts here. That's not coincidental, homie!

Engage with people, and accept the fact that they might not instantly invite you over to dinner the first time you @mention them on Twitter, or whatever.

[usedtabe]

Put yo wang all up in a fine girl's guts. You'll feel betta bout errythang.

[Hector Garfria]

The quickest way to gamer's hearts is through the sternum

[Tarvu]

The c stands for circlejerk!

[Edd Strid]

The c stands for circlejerk!

This reminds me of a George Carlin skit on phone calls.

Regarding the OP, I find it hard to suggest anywhere else and I guess a lot of people will struggle because it's a very tight-knit community. That doesn't mean we're all best buds, I agree with Rev above who says we're strangers at the least and associates at best. Some pockets have forged much stronger friendships and that's to be expected in any social environment, be it online, the pub, school, work, gym etc.

Before I found Destructoid, I used to browse Joystiq and Kotaku for my daily gaming updates. They were better sources for information than IGN or Gamespot, which isn't a hard task to achieve. However I didn't feel comfortable with either community and rarely bothered with the comments, what I did see I didn't like.

I've discussed briefly how this site has helped me with my depression, but it wasn't a cure. It was one of many things I had to do to see if I could have a little of my mind back. First off I never expected to be accepted here and I still don't, I certainly don't expect anyone to care about what I say, it's a bonus if they do and we can strike up a conversation about it or a comment alone is great recognition. Just don't expect it.

Before Destructoid I had to learn to accept myself, who I was, I'm still not 100% what that is but I feel better about it. Sure, joining a new community that looked very tight-knit was terrifying, especially at a time I could barely accept myself, nevermind the fears of a whole group of Internet people accepting me and taking me into the fold. I had to learn to love who I was, who I could be and not put that hope on a bunch of strangers.

I know our two forms of depression could be very different, I don't know you and don't believe what worked for me could also work for you. You may need different things in your life to help you be, to at least like yourself and life again. Try not to go looking for answers or acceptance from others, you can be guided but ultimately it's only you who can care about one's self.

[KingSigy]

I do understand all of that. Honestly, it makes perfect sense.

But at the same time, how can you explain people who are in shitty relationships. They don't love themselves and yet, I can't even forge that. I'm just alone all the time, regardless of what I do.

I understand that I need to accept myself, but nothing comes to mind as to what's good about me. Even worse, the only thing I enjoy doing I'm doing for the wrong reasons. Apparently I've been living a lie without even knowing it.

I just wish I could accept what you say, but something is preventing me. You do speak the truth, but I just don't know where else to go from here.

[KingSigy]

Put yo wang all up in a fine girl's guts. You'll feel betta bout errythang.

I'm sorry, that doesn't help me. Not to mention that I couldn't get a girl even if I paid her, but that's not going to solve anything.

[Revuhlooshun]

1: Worry about yourself.
2: Do you really envy people in miserable relationships? Being able to avoid dysfunctional entanglements like that should be viewed as a plus, not a negative.
3: You can't forge a relationship with another person until you deal with these issues you've laid out here. If you can't make yourself happy, how the hell are you going to make someone else happy? You need to work on yourself before worrying about relationships, otherwise you'll only burden that person with a need for them to make you happy (which will lead to a dependency that'll bite you in the ass later down the road).
4: There's no right or wrong way to enjoy something. Everyone is different. Just because someone is able to offer a different perspective on a situation doesn't mean that your perspective is wrong and/or fraudulent. Again you are putting yourself down because you don't fit some random stranger's criteria. Don't do that.

You need to realize that being single and/or alone is not a bad thing in and of itself. You have a tremendous amount of freedom and control over your own life that many people in relationships would kill for. Take advantage of both while you can and use them to accomplish things that you want to do. If you never find somebody, so what? You got to live a life of doing whatever the hell you wanted to do with no one to boss you around.

[KingSigy]

1: Worry about yourself.
2: Do you really envy people in miserable relationships? Being able to avoid dysfunctional entanglements like that should be viewed as a plus, not a negative.
3: You can't forge a relationship with another person until you deal with these issues you've laid out here. If you can't make yourself happy, how the hell are you going to make someone else happy? You need to work on yourself before worrying about relationships, otherwise you'll only burden that person with a need for them to make you happy (which will lead to a dependency that'll bite you in the ass later down the road).
4: There's no right or wrong way to enjoy something. Everyone is different. Just because someone is able to offer a different perspective on a situation doesn't mean that your perspective is wrong and/or fraudulent. Again you are putting yourself down because you don't fit some random stranger's criteria. Don't do that.

You need to realize that being single and/or alone is not a bad thing in and of itself. You have a tremendous amount of freedom and control over your own life that many people in relationships would kill for. Take advantage of both while you can and use them to accomplish things that you want to do. If you never find somebody, so what? You got to live a life of doing whatever the hell you wanted to do with no one to boss you around.

I do already realize that being single isn't bad. I've been single my entire life. But I just want to have someone so I can make their life better. I want to help them achieve their dreams and further their life. I want to bring a smile to their face and brighten every single moment of their existence.

You can't tell me that that's wrong, either. So many women are mistreated solely because of gender or because of their appearance and I want to change that for one lucky girl. Maybe that's just my curse, though. I've never appreciated much of myself and so I'll never be able to appreciate someone else.

[usedtabe]

I'm sorry, that doesn't help me.

Go deeper into them guts dawg.

[Nihil]

Sigy, there's no softer way I can put this other than playing on loop what Rev has already said: Therapy may be your best option here. You don't love yourself, but you want to love somebody else, in order to love yourself, but no loves you, so you do- you see how insane that pattern is, right? You have to change something from inside. You world view, your universal view, your personal view - whatever it is that you need to hear in order to snap out of that cycle may not come soon enough to help you.

We haven't interacted much, but I read what you write, what you comment on. You're a decent guy to me, to a lot of us. But we're not perfect. We have our own issues and ultimately deal with them our own ways. But when they're brought here, the best we can do is tell each other what makes the most sense. This is a save haven for the lot of us. I could go on forever how much I've evolved out of a socially vegetative state since meeting these guys. Even now, I'm not out of the woods, but I'm better, and I have them to thank for it. But I chose to listen, and I chose to stay around, even when that voice that says I'm a fucking fraud and a loser told me to go back into an alcoholic shell.

And it's up to you to help yourself. You can't protect someone you love, when you can't protect yourself from yourself. It's not going to be some magical 180 turn once you meet someone new, like you see in movies. You have to learn to be independent, man. That's not the same thing as being alone. I hope you understand that. And I truly hope you find it in yourself to make that change.

I'm not some random dude trying to impart wisdom here. I'm here for the same reason you are. Just trying to find a place that makes sense in this weird, weird world. Do not feel afraid to private message.

[Revuhlooshun]

I do already realize that being single isn't bad. I've been single my entire life. But I just want to have someone so I can make their life better. I want to help them achieve their dreams and further their life. I want to bring a smile to their face and brighten every single moment of their existence.

You can't tell me that that's wrong, either. So many women are mistreated solely because of gender or because of their appearance and I want to change that for one lucky girl. Maybe that's just my curse, though. I've never appreciated much of myself and so I'll never be able to appreciate someone else.

You are idolizing women and putting them on a pedestal. Take it from someone who has been in plenty of actual relationships when I tell you that they're no different from men when it comes to pursuing their self-interests. Women are like any other part of the population: There are a few winners and a whole lot of losers. You are only as good to a woman as you are for pursuing their self-interests (just like men). Do not mythologize women as some sacred race of angelic caregivers searching for the right man in their life to free them from their oppression, and that you are that savior--they are humans with all of the same faults and benefits, no more, no less.

Unfortunately, like everything else I've written in this thread, this is something that you'll probably have to learn for yourself. The things I'm telling you have been acquired through firsthand experience, things that I acquired despite others trying to warn me of them. We have to put our hands on the stove in order to find out for ourselves that it's hot, so to speak--we won't learn unless we try it for ourselves. So with that said, your resistance to what everyone's saying here makes sense--we all resisted it when we were on your side of the table. But everything that's been said in here has been real talk.

And again, I ask you: How can you make someone else's life better when you can't make your life better? How can you help them achieve their dreams when you struggle with yours? How can you make them smile when you've forgotten how to smile? How can you make anyone else happy if you can't make yourself happy?

Work on yourself first. Women aren't attracted to men who look down upon themselves. You have to exert confidence and interest in yourself and your abilities before you can appeal to anyone else. How can anyone be attracted to you when you're not even attracted to yourself? What compelling reason can you give a woman to be interested in you when you put yourself down constantly? When you watch a commercial, do they sell the product by telling you of its flaws and shortcomings? Of course not--who the hell would buy it then? If you can't have confidence in your own product, why should anyone else? That's how you have to look at it: Dating and attracting women is all about marketing and PR. You are pitching yourself when you talk to a woman. You can't be surprised when nobody else wants to buy what you're selling if you don't have any confidence in what you're selling.

Work on yourself. Gain some confidence. Pursue what you want to do and earn a little pride in what you have to offer to both the world and another person--achieving goals and dreams will help to do this. Only then will you be able to attract other people. Only when you live for yourself will others want to join you. From there, you can begin to live for other people--but not at the expense of yourself. Remember that.

[Zodiac Eclipse]

Sorry Sigy, but we're pretty much the best site available as far as I'm concerned. Also Rev's right on point with his real talks on women. As a women I can promise you most of us don't want to be seen as victimized damsels waiting for the right guy to come along and make our dreams come true and the ones who are down with that aren't worth the effort of being with.

You don't have to love everything about yourself, but you need to at least have the confidence that your company is valuable enough to warrant someone investing the time into a relationship with you, that goes for real life and here online. If you want to get "well-known" in the community then you have to put the time into being part of the community. That means finding your niche and having fun with it. If you like writing then hit up the cblogs and make insightful comments on other people's blogs. Spend more time here in the forums and get to know some people who you have common interests with. Get in on some Friday Night Fights action, whatever floats your boat.

Finally, focus on enjoying your time here, not on some perceived "acceptance quota" based on how many people respond to everything you say or do. The rest works itself out.

[KingSigy]

How does one gain confidence? It's not like I can just go to the store and buy some. I don't really know what I should do to become more confident in my abilities. Everytime I do something at work, I'm either wrong or my supervisor gets angry because I'm not doing it his way. I don't understand what I'm failing to do.