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Thread: Relationship advice, I needs it

  1. #1
    [Level 6: Robot]
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    Relationship advice, I needs it

    Hai guyz.

    I just acquired my first girlfriend. Yes, I am 25 years old, I am only now in my first actual relationship. A winrar is me. It's a semi-long distance relationship, so we don't get to see each other much. I need advice from you seasoned sluts, since I'm a socially-inept relationship-noob.

    We originally met online and we met in-person this past Friday/Saturday. Friday and most of Saturday were awesome for both of us (especially Friday night, take that as you will *coughBOOBIESARENICEcough*), but towards the final hours of the visit, she started becoming a little distant. Now that she's back in the next state over and we're back to communicating online, she doesn't talk anywhere nearly as much as she did before the weekend, despite my conversational efforts.

    So, I ask you, how often should I talk to her? I feel like I'm drifting into "overeager, clingy boyfriend" territory. Should I back off? What should I be saying to her? I mean, I don't want to become the guy who's constantly asking "Is anything wrong? Did I do something?" I have a hard time interpreting where things stand. My happiness is in your hands, Dtoid.

  2. #2
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    Talk to her whenever you and she both feel like talking. Clarify things, make sure things are cool. And try to talk whenever you damn well feel like. I may not be an expert as I'm only 17 (18 in three weeks btw w00t) but talking a lot is normal in the beginning of the relationship. When it gets to points when you run out of things to talk about, DO things, you know? Like things that you can end up talking about. That help at all? Probably not because I always miss points. :P

  3. #3
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    Long-distance relationships are never an easy thing. Her reaction might have been sadness that she was going to have to leave you in a few hours, worry over how the two of you are going to work being a state apart, or it could be something else entirely going on.

    Right now my advice would be to maintain contact, be your normal self, treat her the same way you did when the two of you were getting to know each other, but try not to pressure her for answers as to what's happening. She might be trying to sort out her emotions, and appearing overeager will only push her away from you. Give her time to figure things out, and she'll eventually let you know what's going on when she's ready.

    No matter what, take care of yourself. I don't want to be a downer, but these kinds of relationships don't have the best success rate. I've been in the same position myself. If it doesn't work out, it most likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how far you are apart physically (especially considering that everything was going good until the last few hours). Don't take it personally or let it depress you; you'll be meeting plenty of other awesome chicks throughout your life. Hope for the best but be prepared for disappointment, especially in your first relationship. I'll be wishing you luck!

  4. #4
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    In my experience, going into clingy boyfriend territory is always cause for failure. So I think retreating a bit would be the safer bet. The alternative is to basically be up front and say, "you've seemed a bit distant the past few days, anything going on that you want to talk about?" That one has the potential to backfire in more ways than one but it's definitely the most direct route since whatever response you get will probably tell a lot.

    I still think maybe just laying off for a bit might be the best. Let her come back to you when she feels the need to start communicating again. Best case scenario, she has other things going on that she has to deal with and her keeping distance has nothing to do with you. Worst case scenario, she realized for some reason that she doesn't want this relationship and is trying to give you the cold shoulder. Not saying either one is it but I'm just laying out both ends of the spectrum.

    ...alright maybe the best case scenario is actually that she's avoiding you so that she can lay on the surprise that she got breast implants and wants to have a threesome with you and her Victoria's Secret model friend on her newly purchased yacht in a jacuzzi filled with Cristal.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentish
    ...alright maybe the best case scenario is actually that she's avoiding you so that she can lay on the surprise that she got breast implants and wants to have a threesome with you and her Victoria's Secret model friend on her newly purchased yacht in a jacuzzi filled with Cristal.
    This is almost certainly the case. You have nothing to worry about, Sharpless. Just kick back and wait for the call.

  6. #6
    [Level 4: Cyborg] bart999's Avatar
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    Just talk to her whenever you want to. Don't sacrifice who you are for a new realtionship. If it's "right" then she'll feel the same way.

  7. #7

    Re: Relationship advice, I needs it

    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpless
    So, I ask you, how often should I talk to her? I feel like I'm drifting into "overeager, clingy boyfriend" territory. Should I back off? What should I be saying to her? I mean, I don't want to become the guy who's constantly asking "Is anything wrong? Did I do something?" I have a hard time interpreting where things stand. My happiness is in your hands, Dtoid.
    There have been some good points here. No matter what any of us other joes here offer for advice, there's likely a female dtoider reading this shaking her head and laughing at us. No matter. The distance can be a bitch though. How old is she? Not to be a downer, but with the distance factor you're likely better off with a "tag and release" tactic.

  8. #8
    [Level 6: Robot] Pyramid Head's Avatar
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    Sound like she got her slice of dick pie and it wasn't what she expected after your impressive webcam show.

    No worries though, you got a lay out of it and it sounds like she came to you so you're not at a loss!

    In all seriousness though, it sounds like her curiosity has vanished after actually meeting you which is fair enough, the internet can make you seem like some modern day Casanova but when you actually meet a person it can all fall apart.

    Just leave the ball in her court and if, after a month, there's no contact then bag yourself a new one. This fleeting romance will have hopefully given you the confidence to do what you've held off on for 25 years.

  9. #9
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    All right. Some good advice, so far... and, uh, Pyramid Head. I've decided to wait a few days before writing to her again (unless she writes to me first). Maybe I'll fire off an email, early Thursday. I'll also try to cut down on the sappy boyfriend stuff for now, and I'll try to go back to what we had during the quirky, "OMG I like you" quasi-courtship phase. I'm pretty confident that she wasn't terribly disappointed by the majority of the visit. It was awkward at first, but we were getting along great by early Friday evening, and up until lunchtime Saturday. And I do realize now that I need to give her distance, but I also don't want to be neglectful and standoffish, all of a sudden.

    Digtastik, she's 21. And honestly, I don't really expect this to last long-term, though I would like it to. In fact, I'll be pleasantly surprised if we can pull this off until New Year's. It's just that, after 25 years of jack shit, I'd hate to lose this one so quickly. And she's a hell of a catch... we're perfect matches. I just don't have a whole lot of opportunities to find girls as awesome as her, and I'm not likely to find one again in the near future. I've had wonderful near-relationships turn incredibly sour very suddenly, before. I'm just sick of it.

    There was no "dick pie," as Pyramid Head so delicately put it. Just a long, heavy makeout session. Neither of us were ready to jump onboard the humptymobile just yet. We both had a great time though, I have no doubt about that. I didn't detect any fumbles there, at least.

    Also, to Dexter and Serpentish: She has no need for breast implants. That is all that I'll say on the matter.

    Thanks. Further advice is also welcome. Keep it coming.

  10. #10
    [Level 5: Mech] KomugiStyle's Avatar
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    Well heres a girls POV....

    Girls often take initial interrest and make an effort to show it. Obviously she did that in the beginning. But the dangerous part is when she stops acting that way and acts "distant" as you said. Girls grow distant when they loose interrest, or notice something they don't like. So theres no way to tell but to ask her... i mean i'm not saying this IS what she's doing... i'm just giving you a possibility.

    As for what should you do... Its ok to wait a few days, but too long means you weren't interested to the girl. I'd wait 2 days max to let her think it over, and past that.. give her a call (preferably) or IM or whatever and ask her if anything is wrong.. and if she says 'why didn't you call me in the last few days or something" don't be like OH i was busy. Be honest and say "you seemed distant so i decided to give you some space, any way i can help?" That seems more genuine...

    Overall.. long distance relationships are difficult , give it a good try if you really like her.. but.. your better off meeting someone close by.

    Good LUCK!! I'm rooting for you!!! =D

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpless
    Also, to Dexter and Serpentish: She has no need for breast implants. That is all that I'll say on the matter.

    Thanks. Further advice is also welcome. Keep it coming.
    You need not say more on the matter. Here's my new advice, make with the pics.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by KomugiStyle
    Well heres a girls POV....

    Girls often take initial interrest and make an effort to show it. Obviously she did that in the beginning. But the dangerous part is when she stops acting that way and acts "distant" as you said. Girls grow distant when they loose interrest, or notice something they don't like. So theres no way to tell but to ask her... i mean i'm not saying this IS what she's doing... i'm just giving you a possibility.

    As for what should you do... Its ok to wait a few days, but too long means you weren't interested to the girl. I'd wait 2 days max to let her think it over, and past that.. give her a call (preferably) or IM or whatever and ask her if anything is wrong.. and if she says 'why didn't you call me in the last few days or something" don't be like OH i was busy. Be honest and say "you seemed distant so i decided to give you some space, any way i can help?" That seems more genuine...

    Overall.. long distance relationships are difficult , give it a good try if you really like her.. but.. your better off meeting someone close by.

    Good LUCK!! I'm rooting for you!!! =D
    Thanks, Komugi. I think the most confusing part of this is that she was so incredibly enthusiastic in the pre-meet-up "courting" process. And the meet-up was good, as I said, up until the very end. At 21, she's had 15 prior boyfriends, so it would seem entirely possible that she's lost interest. But still, we connected surprisingly quickly and very strongly (and she said that our connection was unusual, to her), so I would think that the relationship would last a little longer than a week. (It's been a week today.) But then, she also suffers from clinical depression and has been told that she's bipolar, so...

    Well, I'll wait until Thursday to write to her. Or maybe Wednesday night? I don't know. My last contact with her was a couple of Facebook comments, Monday afternoon.

    And you see, I'd love to meet someone local, but I never find anyone that I even remotely match with, around here. I hate South Jersey. This girl is the most perfect match I've ever had in the area. (She's not that far away, but she has to go either around or over the Delaware Bay to get here, which bumps up the cost. We're both unemployed, and I don't drive.) If I lose her, well, she's the last gas station for miles, so to speak.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpless
    But then, she also suffers from clinical depression and has been told that she's bipolar, so...
    That very well may explain everything right there. Speaking from personal experience, that's going to make it a bit more difficult and frustrating at times than a normal relationship. But if she's worth it, she's worth it. Just make sure she knows you're there for her, even if it means giving her space when she needs it.

  14. #14
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    Hm.

    I'm going to throw in the pessimist's interpretation. By no means is this meant to try and drag you down, but I think you should perhaps consider the following just as precaution:

    The girl you met might be one of those girls who just likes the chase, isn't satisfied with the result (she's looking for something extremely specific and you don't quite add up to that, not your fault), and she might have been cool with everything until the end, partly because she didn't know how to end it or was too afraid to. She seemed great during the visit until the end because she wanted you to think you were both having a good time. Perhaps it was just a fling. She was just curious, you know?

    Also, factor in your enthusiasm (I might have perceived that incorrectly, however) and your lack of experience in relationships and you may have convinced yourself she wanted this as much as you did. It's okay, as that also is natural when wanting to date someone. The enthusiasm shows your appreciation, which is essential in any working relationship, be they long-distance or not. Just so long as you don't jump down her throat at every opportunity, your interest should reassure her that you're willing to compromise or become flexible should any fixable issues arise. However, if the problem becomes clear that you would have to go through an epic fuckton of hassle in order to meet minimal mandates.....eh..

    I hope that's not the case, but in my experience, women are fucking crazy and will not operate reasonably. Much like Windows 98, relationships could be cool when they work, they just don't a lot of the time and you spend most of your time trying to make it work.

    Upgrade, even at the cost of some features, bro.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Mxyzptlk
    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpless
    But then, she also suffers from clinical depression and has been told that she's bipolar, so...
    That very well may explain everything right there. Speaking from personal experience, that's going to make it a bit more difficult and frustrating at times than a normal relationship. But if she's worth it, she's worth it. Just make sure she knows you're there for her, even if it means giving her space when she needs it.
    Speaking from my personal experience, I'll tell you to get the fuck out of Dodge. Not now, yesterday. Only 21 and 15 priors sounds like a whole lot of happy with fucking no one. I'm just saying... get out before she moves in with you, mopes around the house all day, drags you into financial ruin, and serves up a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. I was 25 when that shit happened. Go party with some older chicks(mid to late 30s. thank me later) and then hit the young ones back up again when you're in your 30s. That, my friend, is a surefire ringer.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by digtastik
    Quote Originally Posted by Mxyzptlk
    Quote Originally Posted by Sharpless
    But then, she also suffers from clinical depression and has been told that she's bipolar, so...
    That very well may explain everything right there. Speaking from personal experience, that's going to make it a bit more difficult and frustrating at times than a normal relationship. But if she's worth it, she's worth it. Just make sure she knows you're there for her, even if it means giving her space when she needs it.
    Speaking from my personal experience, I'll tell you to get the fuck out of Dodge. Not now, yesterday. Only 21 and 15 priors sounds like a whole lot of happy with fucking no one. I'm just saying... get out before she moves in with you, mopes around the house all day, drags you into financial ruin, and serves up a frozen turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. I was 25 when that shit happened. Go party with some older chicks(mid to late 30s. thank me later) and then hit the young ones back up again when you're in your 30s. That, my friend, is a surefire ringer.
    what Digi said.

    Seriously man, move on and look back on that as a great weekend, the first of many in the future. Don't waste your time pining for someone that deep down you know won't be a long term thing anyway. Use this experience and build upon it, it's a positive thing that has happened now go out and have some more positive happenings.

    From my experience (I'm a 31yr old who's been at least halfway around the block and in love at least twice), if after a petting session, a woman then doesn't seem totally interested then she probably isn't. Move on and remember that a couple of months ago you'd have never expected to have had a good a weekend as that.

    Goodnight and good luck,

    Swiftly

    PS- all girls have boobies, and small ones can be fun too.

  17. #17
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    I haven't dated a bipolar chick but I have had bipolar "friends" and I'm going to have to agree with the run while you still can approach that Dig mentioned. The bipolar people I used to know didn't know what the hell they wanted... ever. This situation sounds like it's just that, she's not sure about what she wants. You got your first catch and that's awesome but here at Dtoid we don't settle for the first fish that bites. We fucking start fishing with grenades and have an all you can eat seafood buffet. Sharps, you my friend are ready for 'nades.

  18. 11-11-2008, 12:09 PM

  19. #18
    [Level 3: Humanoid] Shortwopdaygo's Avatar
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    I've been in a very similar situation in the past. From my experience, the excitement you felt was the build-up towards your meeting. Sometimes, this can be the ONLY excitement in the relationship. One of my many eventual meet-ups with a long distance chatter resulted in us just not clicking, and we eventually lost touch with each other. Now that you two have met up, maybe the butterflies to finally get together aren't there for her anymore.

    However, with a long distance relationship, (of which I have had many), they take a lot of work, effort, and patience. Whether she will recipricate the same effort you are putting in is up to her. Try to keep that excitement going, but sometimes things just don't click. If she doesn't want the same level of communication anymore, you have to respect that.

    Just don't be smothering, give her space, but if you feel like asking her a question, just ask her. I will say, spending time in person with each other is very important. We all know that interactions in person are different than online.

    And if she doesn't give any more up, don't worry. You broke the streak after all these years, and will have a little more experience the next time you go into battle.

  20. #19
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    Re: Relationship advice, I needs it

    I say move on!!!

    It's not going to get any better. Long distance relationships suck, I know. Somethings got to give, either one person moves to where the other is...or someone else is going to be dipping into that "cookie jar," if ya know what I mean. But then again, if she has nice boobies....it just might work out

  21. #20
    [Level 6: Robot] Pyramid Head's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by digtastik
    Go party with some older chicks (mid to late 30s.)
    Amen.

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