The Horseman of the Asspocalypse
The Destructoid Family
Just for the fuck of it, and because I'm bored out of my skull, let's post who we think fit the archetypal roles of family members on Destructoid. I.E., Niero is dad/grandpa, Jim is the creepy uncle, etc.
[Level 7: Sentinel]
I see Destructoid as a Mafia Family IMO
Totally fine with skeezers
You're the kid that gets molested.
2008. Wildwood, New Jersey
Updated big list for lazy, first page only, non-thread readers. Also on the last page as well. Lots of tasty meat in between.
Destructoid. A family portrait.
The Tree of Disfunction.
New entries and additions start in Sexy Time Red.
Brood master. Patriarch.
Born of the union between Lord Helmut Von Vernershnahkt, the dispatched Slavik dictator and famed Puerto Rican Burlesque performer Kiki Montgomery. Niero is an enigma, shrouded in mystery and dipped in butter. His penchant for orange cream-filled Dutch chocolates and Hentai are only surpassed by his beliefs in, "tough love and warm hugs". This could be most easily seen in his treatment of his eldest son Technophile, whom he chastised regularly by burning him with smoldering cigarette butts, then forcing him to eat banana splits(with vomitous results). Currently serving 52 consecutive life sentences in Miami/Dade Correctional Facility, for the "incident" with his first family. Niero emphatically denies being the catalyst for the suicide pact brought to fruition by the hedonistic cult he founded. Instead misdirecting the blame toward Colet-san. The mythical, trinket-hoarding, Japanese Moon Goddess. In his words, "It was divine inter'fuckin'vention, knowah'I'msayin?" Handsome, charismatic and deadly. Niero is a gifted empath, and Voodoo shaman. His advancements in Occult Physonomics and traditional Italian cooking are legendary. From his cell he exhibits control over the masses. His metaphorical ebony tentacles and delicious Gnocchi both pierce the hearts and charm the wills of man.
There was word that our founding father had been moved to an undisclosed holding facility in California. A prison break was planned, but ultimately fell short do to a communal outbreak of Shingles. Plus Hatman lost the keys to the minivan... again.
Techno is Pa.
Zodiac Eclipse is Ma.
Hamza CTZ Aziz or Los Tiburon as he is known in Monte Carlo, is Techno's brother from another mother. He is a narcissistic playboy, and a consummate ladies man. A master chef, Jai-Alai expert, cigar aficionado, and part time Bingo number reader at the local VFW, Hamza is easily the most charismatic of our lot. With a gleaming smile and piercing stare, it is said he once literally charmed the pants off the Queen Mother herself! His libidinous rendezvous have left a steaming trail of broken hearts spanning the globe. He also has laser heat vision.
Morty is the oldest brother. He's the guy who takes the paternal role in the family and looks after everyone, 'cos mum and dad are always too fucked up on drugs.
Banj. To try and explain Banj, or even quantify what he means to our family one must look deep into the darkest recesses of ourselves. He is legend, covered in the sugary sprinkles of debauchery and sexual innuendos of a thousand horny, drunken sailors. For many years he was believed to be the Antichrist. Then a dragon. Then a libidinous, disgruntled, sociopathic, rodeo clown. Some even thought he was a cunt that puts on the tough guy facade in hopes that his family and peers don't recognize him for the complete fucking role-playing nerd that he's trying so hard to bury. All of these profiles were proven to be no more than diluted fictions, created by the fears of man. In the end, it is simply accepted that Banj is. Like a malevolent entity created from his own desire to exist. His place in the family is whatever he choses it to be, whenever he wills it to be so. Questioning him, his motives, or his desires has been known to have the most dire of consequences. Bare minimum, he'll fuck your mother's ass raw-dog style, then go ass to mouth on her.
blehman. In 1993, Daniel Day-Lewis, Tea Leoni, and Morty(to make some quick cash) submitted their DNA to the U.S. government for a confidential and controversial cloning experiment. The spliced genes would eventually be birthed into a child, known simply as, bleh. Unfortunately, years later, the unrefined process would leave him crippled with Narcocarpalphlangelism, or "Bullet Time Syndrome". His mind works 10 times faster than that of a normal man, but he is incapable of anything but lethargic movement. He currently lives in a studio apartment with Gyrael, Northeast of El Paso.
coonskin05 is Banj's brother that was whisked away as a child. You see there are legends and then there are living legends. Coon "The Skipper" skin05 defines the latter. As a bright goateed child, he was an experienced drinker by the tender age of 5. His adoptive father, a Norwegian riverboat Cockswain, raised Coon on the coasts of Montana, to be an expert clamdiver by the age of 8. But Coon heard the calling of the sea. Running away from home, he turned his love of alcohol, his passion for beautiful women and his maritime prowess into the very model by which manly men around the world strive to achieve. From Singapore to Bangladesh. Shambala, to the Ivory Coast. Only the finest skanks line the shore to shower his boat, The Seraphim's Box, with chrysanthemums and flank steaks. Trying to be the one he chooses. But their hopes are empty. Coon sails at first light after every conquest. He was last seen in the Adriatic. Where he single handedly(and double-fistedly) drank 37 Somali pirates to death, saving the lives of 20 Russian penguin wranglers. When asked about how everything happen, he only said, "Bitches couldn't handle their sauce. That shit's gay, yo."
RiotMonster is Zodiac's kid sister, who set of on a quest for enlightenment long ago. Now she wanders the Earth in her homemade MJOLNIR armor, built from aluminum foil and duct tape, only stopping to sell her "special" brownies at random church bake sales when low on cash.
Jhitcher is the precocious younger sibling that's far too cool and smart for this age. It wasn't until his fourth birthday that we realized he was different. Nebones started to levitate, underwear started missing, SenorDoucheoisie's antique porn collection inexplicably turned into Swedish cooking DVD's and fly fishing magazines. Jhitcher. The son of Zodiac and a simple German Elk trapper had gained the power to alter the very fabric of space itself. We are forced to tread very softly around him, appeasing his every epicurean demand, for fear he will plunge the world into a black mire of looping infommercials, werewolves and sausage.
Gatorsax2010 is Jhitcher's handsome brother savant. He's good at everything, and everyone likes him. At least two members of the family have openly plotted killing him, but dropped the idea due to lack of capital.
H4RDC0RP5 is Jhitcher and Gatorax's other brother. Years of failed molestation attempts by his pervert Uncle Bbrigg caused him to turn his back on the family, and escape into the seclusion of the Swiss Alps. He returned to us two Christmases ago, yabbering about Midichlorain levels, and Gugan romance. A self proclaimed Sith Lord(Darth Cockblaster) and clad in only a cape and wielding a length of Kielbasa(his lightsaber), H4RDCORP5 was recently arrested for sexually assaulting MkShiranui's pet bunny. We still laugh about him being taken away screaming, "I didn't VIOLATE any Ewok!!! That Jedi-loving furball begged me for the dick!!!"
KD Alpha is the asshole brother who points out all the negative shit but fails to reflect upon his own flaws (not so conveniently).
Kannaya is the sexually ambiguous older sister. We know she's a chick and all the male members of the family get those stirrings in their loins, but when we look at her we think "I can't believe that's not a dude...."
SenorDoucheoisie is Kannaya's brother that we all eventually end up sharing a room with, who keeps you up all night because you can hear him from across the room beating off under his blanket. He wishes Batman were real, and that he could be the Dark Knight's own personal boy wonder. He's so dedicated to that dream, that he wears his homemade Robin uniform on his daily trips to the beach.
IcarusKills is the older brother that you think is obnoxious because he's always correcting you, and making you redo things the right way. But, later you realize it made you a better person. Then he punches you in the nuts.
Nils is the chubby Goth sister who you will never understand because you are all sheep, concerned with only the trivialities of your little sheep worlds. Constantly threatening to move out to live with her soul mate and become a taxidermist. But never does.
The Guy with the Hat is the brother that moved to Canada to avoid prosecution for an alleged act involving a jar of fresh honey, a donkey, and a 12-year old Peruvian boy. He never used to wear a hat. But now does to hide his identity. Every two years he shows up to Thanksgiving dinner to shave himself, eat some ham, and borrow a "few bucks for the road." Then he is gone like the luster from an old prize mare's flanks.
Jurgs was Hatman's conjoined twin, until they were separated in a failed groundbreaking medical operation. Thrown into a bioharzard bag, and discarded like a red plastic party cup, Jurgs survived. Living in the sewers of Europe for years until eventually he garnered the strength to make his way to Canada. Here he currently resides with his man-slave-lover, Mullamuck. His greatest joy is using his psychic link to abuse his brother. Having the giant Eskimo paddle his balls with yardstick 3 days a week.
Anonymouse is the youngest son. A love child from Techno's stint with a Bulgarian sheep groomer. He loves to eat paste and lick scented markers. He has an IQ of 205, and frequently leaves the room with sitcom style catch-phrases.
Jim is a distant cousin that you can get along with well enough to go out drinking with sometime.
Zombielifecoach is the cool uncle that's always got quality stories that your mum and dad don't like to hear.
Zippyduda is ZLC's younger brother. An aspiring rugby player, his career was cut short by a rogue attack by a man dressed in a horse costume. Nightmares and PTS keep him from sleeping, eating and showering. Most times he'll disappear into his room for days to play games. Has a Bob Saget Foot Fetish.
Ali D is the faintly creepy cousin who no one really likes that much, but they let me hang around because he has a cool CD collection.
Slowey is the psychologically damaged brother of Ali D. Due to a freak zamboni accident he now has a split personality. Slowey is the rational, clear-headed, cheese tosser from Berlin. KamikazeSlowey is a fire-eater, avid bowler, and breakdance champion. He suffers from eye ticks and rabid cursing outbursts. Frequently wets himself.
Djnealb is Slowey's brother and master of ceremonies. A failed lounge singer by trade, he spends most days streaking at the local Wal-Mart, and sexually harassing the elderly. The karaoke machine, given as a gift, has been a bane to the family. Torturous versions of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Feelings" every third hour have pushed some members to the breaking point. More than once, members have been caught trying to smother him with a pillow. He takes it all in stride saying, "Bitches don't get mah gift!"
Krow is the cousin with the scowl that doesn't talk to anyone at Thanksgiving.
Phantomile is Krow's Dizygotic twin, and the Ying to his Yangumbilicus. If Krow were a brooding Romulan, then Phantomile would be a snarky Vulcan. Once a brilliant mathematician, he was raped of his ability to grow pubic hair of any kind in a risky physics experiment. He has since devoted his life to words, with the goal of obliterating numerics completely. He is also a closet uber-fan of Two and a Half Men.
Grandpa Gatsby is the most hateful geezer you've ever known, but damn if he isn't respectable.
TewDee is Gatsby's brother, because he hates on just about as much stuff as Gatsby does. Gatsby still smokes his pipe though, so he isn't as bitter as TewDee.
Moe is the cute aunt that you've got a thing for, but you're always awkward round your uncle because he doesn't like you very much and he's really similar to your dad.
Bec is Ali D's sister, and an aunt with a devious past. Known in some circles as The Devil's Baker, it is believed that 5 of her 6 deceased husbands fell prey to her delicious, yet deadly cakes! While autopsies were relatively inconclusive, the fact that she became a millionaire from the life insurance payoffs, leads one to assume foul play. But in true Destructoid Family fashion, we were willing to turn a blind eye when she built a giant Chuck E Cheese-style ball pit in the back yard. Frolicking outweighs justice in our home.
Aborto theFetus is the cousin that comes to Thanksgiving every once and awhile and is reminded how miserable it is being related to you peons.
storyr is Aborto's eldest nephew. A raging alcoholic from the age 13. He moved to Washington state and opened a coffee shop with a staff comprised soley of amputees, whom he berates for moving slowly and being unable to, "work like normal human fucking beings!" He enjoys cheap cars and fast women. He also has a complete collection of Abba on vinyl.
JesusHChrist is our Mexican grounds keeper. He is also Morty's half-cousin twice removed. Known to have a deeply rooted God Complex, his bitterness against any form of establishment as well as his irrational fear of hot dog vender's, required that the the family employ in order to quell his terroristic outbursts, and public defecation. He lives in the pool house, loves daisies, and has a taste for fine wines and marijuana.
ZombiePlatypus is JesusHChrist's uncle. He was born with a Sixth Sense and a Third Eye, giving him the power of 9th Sight. A master manipulator, and casual ventriloquist, he is responsible for the 1984 Cincinnati Blackout. He is the most relaxed of the family, calling clothes, "constrictive". Meaning he lounges nude most times.
Bbrigg is the pervy uncle. Constantly standing in the background, stroking his beard and leering at the adolescent women and fresh-faced innocents, he owns no pants that do not have the pockets cut out of them. His massive, sinewy forearms convey a sense of power, and he revels in his showing the teenagers his, "stick of butter trick."
lv99ron is(trend) another one of our pervy uncles who likes to judge female body-building competitions. He is always followed around by his team of personal photographers. At family gatherings he's the first to volunteer to man the grill, and offers his sausage up to all.
Gobun is one of our foreign cousins, or at least he thinks he is. His highly offense, making Korean eyes with his fingers, and exclaiming, "Ahhh! Ching chong CHING!", has led to more than one fist fight at family gatherings. In reality he is a middle-aged black man, avid stamp collector, and recreational acupuncturist.
Psycho Soldier is a fifth cousin three times removed and twice added. In-law. She is the headmistress and Magi Sorceress Infinitum of the coven of witches known as the House of the Sharp and Pointy Twisty Daggers. She also is a nude Salsa instructor on Wednesdays and Fridays, 7:30 to 9, at the local "Y". Her family claim to fame was when she tried to summon a demon after being on a 72 hour bender of Jager and White Zinfandel. Instead of a Plague Golem raging and spewing pestilence, she called forth a Panda Goddess riding a smoking porcupine. It was awkward.
*Family by marriage, adoption, civil union, etc...
Buddha is the most complex of the family. An adopted child, he is prone to stints of silence. Many times he is comparable to Samara in The Ring. Innocence with plotting undertones of the cruelest evil. He also has named seven knit sweaters which he wears religiously. Buddha also believes he's Patrick Bateman. But looks like Justine Bateman.
Halfleft is the step-brother that resents the family he has been forced into and goes out of his way to upset people.
Bloo is the adopted Mexican who thinks everyone likes him because he's playful, but actually comes off annoying and people only deal with him because they feel sorry for him.
Enkido is the bastard redheaded stepchild that the rest of the family keeps locked in the attic.
Sam Spectre's ambiguity is only trumped by his love of the dance. Once a gifted Parisian street mime(circa. 1530), performing under the moniker of Le' Masque Du Cock, he was heralded as the Evolution of the Artistic Renaissance. Unfortunately, he was trapped in a space time wormhole and ended up in French Quarter, New Orleans 2002. Here he was adopted by Techno and Zodiac, so they could get a larger tax return.
Theredpepperofdoom is ZLC's adopted son, and by extension, apprentice. ZLC, or as Red calls him, 'Coach, has dedicated 87.57362827% of his free time to teaching Red the artful act of careless debauchery and general manliness. TRPOD commits each lesson to memory and is on the fast track to becoming a true ladies' man, getting laid by lovely ladies at least twice a day.
HammerShark is a long lost adopted cousin, known throughout a large portion of Europe as a ladies man, and a Flying Dutchman. His flirtatious ways have landed him in hot water on more than one occasion. He earns a decent living creating 3-D posters for Mall kiosks, and in his spare time loves a sweaty game of handball. Lovingly nicknamed, Lil' Hamza.
*Family support network, close friends, loved ones, vagabonds, and neer-do-wells.
Mxyzptlk is a homeless man that lives out back and thinks he's Spider-Man. Except he believes he lost his powers because he never made that deal with Satan to give up his smoking hot redhead model wife in exchange for his elderly Aunt living another six months before she croaks.
Tomasz claims relationship to the family through Stymie, whom he swears is his godson. Careful study of the Dtoid lineage shows no trace of anyone named "Stymie", but Tomasz refuses to leave the family compound regardless. Well versed in the study of zombies, his expertise has proven invaluable in multple threads.
Sir Legendhead is like Randy Quaid in Independence Day. The drunk psycho older guy who really was abducted by aliens, and is patiently waiting for a chance to fly a jet into their spaceship.
G-off is the play cousin, that isn't actually family but lives across the street, and because his family is abusive he spends a great deal of time with us. He is easily agitated, and frequently condescending. But we let it go because of his home life.
Serpentish is the pedophile.
Digtastik is the flustered family IT guy that can only shake his head and sigh because his family seems to have just discovered the Internet and does not know how to use a search function.(Also possibly a snarled up fucking 23 toed peodophile mutant locked in the attic, with superhuman rape-strength and an IQ that would make a chimp blush.)
Pheonix_Blood is The Cougar.
HoodedMiracle is the kid who has a learning disability.
Jon Bloodspray is the guy that shows up very hungover if not still drunk, gets a plate of food and hides in a room playing video games or sleeping on a floor until more food is ready. One of the many celerities in the family, JB is known throughout as being fundamental in the creation of a higher level of Amber Alert. The Condition Black Level is now used in six states.
ArcticFox is the family doctor. He got his license in Venezuela, under the name Pablo Escobar St. Pierre. Although he is a capable doctor, the family really only calls upon him to fill a constant wave of scripts for medical grade narcotics and hard to acquire medications. From Oxy to Valtrex, horse tranquilizers, to MDMA, Arctic races each day to feed our all encompassing addictions. He takes it all in stride though. Quote, "They are better with the drugs. Without them you should see what they can do with 3 cans of aerosol cheese spread, a koala, and a flashlight. It's not pretty. Trust me."
JackShadow is actually not who she says she is. She arrived not long ago, under the guise of being a distant cousin. In reality, she is a shape-shifting, interstellar bounty hunter. Think, Samus Aran, just shorter. Her true form is confectionery sugar, surrounded by pure energy. Her reasons for being amongst us is still shrouded in question. But some believe she is here to capture Jon Bloodspray for his crimes in the Xanthu Galaxy.
ShinigamiDude is JackShadow's enforcer and cyborg killing machine. Found in a derelict military outpost in Burma, he was revived with bacon sandwiches and Sugar Tang. A deal was struck involving Pokemon Pogs, and ever since the two have left a trail of blood and despair in their wake. Infiltrating the family network as a math tutor for Bloo(Get it? He's Asian. They love math!) he waits for his moment to strike. He passes the time eating VHS tape.
Statesman1114 is the guy down the street who stares at your lawn, scowling.
Zombutler is married to January Jones. Most other members of the family are in loveless marriages, constantly seeking other opportunities, like with Bryci or Zooey Deschanel to name a few. He annoys family members by doing nothing but talk about how wonderful it is to be married to January. Yes, he's one of those.
Phallus Knife Fight is the indifferent neighbor that moonlights as a unsuccessful private eye, spying on the Destructoid Family?
Gyrael is the Catfish-man.
Nebones is our our Persian long-haired cat, Mr. Razzmatazz. He was our baby cousin that drowned in the pool 2 years ago, when Grandpa Gatsby(stoned out of his mind on his laced medical marijuana) booted him into the deep end, and laughed. Then had a sandwich and a nap. He returned from the Void reincarnated, patiently waiting for the day to exact his revenge.
The Labial Fold
Jon Bloodspray. Vocals/Guitars. Performs when he's not drinking and whoring. Can be unreliable.
Gatorsax2010. Jack-of-All-Trades/Wicked sax solos.
bbrigg. Banjo/mandolin player. Hates fiddle players. Calls them, "heathens".
Buddha. Bass. Has a very Twiggy Ramirez vibe. Scares goupies. Upsets Jon Bloodspray.
Ali D. Drums. Sucks, but they needed a drummer. Thinks he's a large black man.
IcarusKills. Keyboards. Plays pantless.
Djnealb. DJ. Burnin' up the wheels of steel!
Slowey. Band manager/PR. Has a fever, and the only thing that can fix it is more cowbell.
The Destructoid Massive Incestuous Bukkake, is slated for February 18th, in Madison Square Garden. Unless there is an issue with acquiring the legally required amount of Purell(like last year). If this occurs, the event will be pushed to 2011.
I see Niero's relationship to Destructoid as more of a Peter Pan / Lost Boys thing. I haven't been here long, but from what I've seen he doesn't seem to fit the patriarchal stereotype.
Jim, I see as a distant cousin that I could get along with well enough to go out drinking with sometime.
[Level 12: CHET]
Technophile is my evil stepmother.
Jhitcher is the precosious younger sibling that's far too cool and smart for this age...
Zombielifecoach is the cool uncle that's always got quality stories that your mum and dad don't like to hear...
Zodiac Eclipse is the mama...
Techno is the dad...
I'm the faintly creepy cousin who no one really likes that much, but they let me hang around 'cos I have a cool CD collection...
[Level 7: Sentinel]
Ali, I think of as another distant cousin that I'd like to be better friends with. Hopefully he doesn't think I'm a raging psycho after that one night I drank a fifth of vodka and decided it would be a friendly gesture to accuse him of fucking sheep.
I blame the vodka. Y'know why? Because it was the vodka's fault.
And me, I'm like Randy Quaid in Independence Day. I'm the drunk psycho older guy who really was abducted by aliens, and is patiently waiting for a chance to fly a jet into their spaceship.
Yeah, probably. You bring any crackers?
Originally Posted by Diverse
It's all cool bro; you should hear the crap I come up with when I've got half a bottle of Absolut in me....
Originally Posted by Sir Legendhead
Ha, yeah. Happens to the best of us.
Originally Posted by Ali D
[Level 8: Skynet]
The one that gives you Playboys and shows you how to hide them.
Originally Posted by Ali D
[Level 6: Robot]
Halfleft is the step-brother that resents the family he has been forced into and goes out of his way to upset people. <3
[Level 8: Skynet]
Serpentish is my negligent father; always coming and going. Never around when I need him most.
[Level 12: CHET]
Serpentish is the pedophile.
[Level 8: Skynet]
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